Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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