Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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