when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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