Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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