Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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