I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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