"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
