I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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