hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
