in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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