If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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