if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
