Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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