I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
