Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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