Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
