I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
