just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
