Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We just shotgunned beers for America
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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