nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
