Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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