worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
