guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
