He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
