I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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