I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
