just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
