I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
