I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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