I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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