Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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