I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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