Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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