I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
