he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
