I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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