So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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