he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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