His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
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Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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