My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
