Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
