I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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