Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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