Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
