I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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