Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
