That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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