connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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