Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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