I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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