her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If that was your dad, he is hot
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
