Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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