I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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