i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
