Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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