just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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