We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
