Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
