Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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