Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize