i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
